Max B Will Be Eligible For Parole in 9,999 Days. Enough Time For You To Read About His 9 Best Collabos With French Montana

Max B aka Wavey Crocket aka Biggaveli aka The Silver Surfer aka The Black Rap Robin Hood aka the Boss Don aka The Surfer Don will be eligible for parole in 9,999 days. Enough time for you to read about his 9 best collabos with French Montana.

Hall & Oats? Simon & Garfunkel? Sonny & Cher? No. They're all bums.  If you want a great musical duo, look no further.




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Security

The irony of having the phrase I need some security echo through the song's chorus is that the New Jersey State Prison provides Max B/Inmate 000904278D with all the security he could ever want...maximum security.

French Montana starts his verse off with the undisputed greatest rap line of his career.

Get Shot Award and you nominated
Hollow tips leave your head discombobulated

That line is total conflagration. Fire flames on top of fire flames within more fire flames.  It's like being inside of a lit fireplace in a house that's on fire in the seventh circle of hell and you are taking that first bite of a hot pocket just out of the microwave after its been microwaved for hours.

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I Warned U

Dame Grease lubes up an unctuous beat sampling Marvin Gaye's "I Want You".  Tremendously wavey.  Max B's verse can only be described using his own ad lib: ooooowwwwww.  His rapid fire lyrics are especially dusty and overflow with grit.

Shawty ass softer than Similac
Beat it up and send it back

French hits us again with a dope lyrical nugget.  'Softer than Similac' is how I now describe everything I see with a score under 1 on Mohs Hardness Scale. Like flour or Drake or Porzingis defending in the post.

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It Gotta Be

Many fine artists have sampled Bumpy's Lament by Soul Mann & the Brothers. Dr. Dre, Lil' Kim, Erykah Badu, Lloyd Banks and Freddie Gibbs just to name a few. Max B uses this beat to share a quick humble brag about how he has done more prison bids than Robert Downy Jr. He'd also like you to know he is speedin' up the West side weeded.

Some scientists believe that tidal pull and waves are controlled by the moon.  Other scientists think waves are controlled by the suspicious purple moon emoji🌚. In reality waves are probably just a result of how wavey Max B is on "It Gotta Be". 


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Long Time Coming

Best to douse your speakers with additive flame retardant before pressing play on this track. I left mine on the washing machine and this happened.



Max B's verse features the lyrics:
Ask about the wave, I think it's out.
Mami I'm trying to date your mouth

Appalling and marvelous at the same time.

I ain't gotta fly out to Tennessee
I dip my dick in some Hennessy
Let the bitch lick it all off til she drunk
Then I bomb her good
I'm the Black Rap Robin Hood

Biggaveli gives us an artfully wavey depiction of blowjobs on "Long Time Coming". I have no idea why Hennessy chose Nas to be their spokesperson when Max B literally said he was dipping his dick in their product.  If that's not brand loyalty I don't know what is.  

<---guy loves Hennessy

I'm probably just stating the obvious here but you probably haven't lived until you've dipped your dick in Hennessy as a pre-fellatio ritual.


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We Don't Wanna 

The 2nd installment of French Montana's preposterously titled Mac & Cheese mixtape features a chorus where Max B sings I'ma treat you like a lady, baby. A total flip-flop from Mami I'm tryna date your mouth. Biggaveli's stance on chivalry is like Romney's stance on abortion; very confusing.

The track also features a super annoying intro from DJ Big Mike. The main problem with DJ Big Mike is that he's a terrible DJ because he has no swag because he sucks. I'll probably never understand why DJ's feel the need to ruin songs by talking over the music. A DJ voice-over intro helps a song in the same way a drumset would have been helped to Anne Frank.

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Lord Tryna Tell Me Something

You see that boss don he deliver every song
bitches they quiver whenever I give 'em heavy dong

French and Max B collaborate around the central themes of misogyny, homophobic slurs, drug related crime and drinking cognac.  One recurring motif in Max's catalog of unruly bangers is his affinity towards Grand Cru.  Grand Cru, French for great growth, is a regional wine and cognac classification that designates a vineyard known for its favorable reputation. Although often used to describe wine or cognac, the term is not technically a classification of quality per se, but is intended to indicate the potential of the vineyard.

Max B as a rapper has a lot in common with this concept of Grand Cru. He becomes much more of a star when you view him based on his potential rather than his actual quality.  Like how the NBA is locked into the fallacy "upside" during the draft. Sure Vigilante Season didn't set any sales records, but just imagine if Max wasn't locked up for 75 years for a crime he wasn't even there for how many jams he could put out.

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Not Goin Home

I got a beautiful Range
nice pinky ring and a chain 
and a nice figure girl
I'm not tryna go home

Why would you want to go home when you have that fine list of things? You could argue that Max B's whole mixtapeography is simply a cookbook compiled of the recipes of doing street shit in Harlem. The raspy delivery combined with Max B's penchant for nonchalance makes it feel like his every word of that cookbook is wearing sunglasses and riding on a surfboard. Max B's whole wave is like a combination of the comfort and charisma of Ina Garten mixed with the confidence of R.Kelly. (It takes an unreal amount of confidence for R. Kelly to stand trial for 21 counts of child pornography/sexual conduct with a minor and then put out a song entitled "Sex Genius" years later)


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 Ohh Waa(Do What I Gotta Do)

This comes on and it's lit.  As much time as Wavey Crockett spends referencing weed and Grand Cru it's safe to assume he likes to get fucked up to the point he forgets how to do math. And if I may make an ungenerous observation he probably was never that good at math in the first place. But, it's only after intellect collapses that any true communication exists. And the Boss Don uses all the narcotics at his disposal to collapse his intellect.  French doesn't need any help in the collapsed intellect department.

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 Porno Star
 
She wanna ride that wave
She wanna eat my dick up
She tryna find that game

One can only assume that when Max B wasn't getting high or arrested he was spending his free time banging Roxy Reynolds, Candice Von and Jim Jones' wife.  What a life. In one of the most brutal ethers rap music has seen Wavey Crockett compares his sexual prowess to the opposite of Bow Wow. 

Not Bow Wow
Once a bitch go Max she ain't goin' back
My pimp game so intact

Poor bow wow. If his whole persona wasn't the kissy face cat emoji of the hip-hop world I would feel bad for him. Instead I'll just leave this picture here of him snuzzling with another dude.
<----Puppy Love

Also, it needs to be noted that Max B is the only rapper past or present who could soulfully croon the phrase eat my dick up in a monotone off-key voice that makes you feel like you can still vibe with it. 




About the author
The author is known on a first name basis at Popeyes

A Definitive List of the 10 Best Project Pat Tracks

A Definitive List of the 10 Best Project Pat Tracks


Patrick Houston puts out super brolic military-grade bangers.

Sometimes when I listen to rap music I want to hear a bombastic beat that bashes my eardrums in with its audible Hulk Hands.  And over top of that beat I want someone yelling obscenities like Kevin Garnett after a careless Wally Szczerbiak turnover.  Project Pat raps like a blunt force trauma causing battering ram and I love it.

Here are his 10 best joints

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Listen: North Memphis

Breakin down some Reefaaah
Rollin up a Sweetaaah
Ridin' through your streetaaah
Cheefin' like a heataaah

Fresh out of jail, Pat begins his 1999 album 'Ghetty Green' with this ruthless fire-breathing lyrical assault.  For a long time I thought Pat said "Choppin up a keyaaah/ Ridin on tortillas"  which would be a funny line

<---World's largest tortilla


but I think he actually says, "twentyaaahs". Pat does mention cheese and liquor in the song, so add in tortillas and you have the makings of a nice little Mexican night. I'd enjoy a mariachi band version of this song.

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Listen: Should I

Project Pat and the Roots team up for the wavyest of wave jams. This is apparently Malik B's last song recorded with The Roots.  You don't know Malik B unless you do, but you don't. Pat surfs in on the hook with "Should I go, should I stay, or should I leaveaaah/ She bout to turn this into Ike and Tinaaah." Pat's never afraid of a little veiled domestic violence threat if his girl doesn't keep the following 3 things: a warm bed, a cute face, a cold glass of Hennessy....these are reasonable expectations...I mean comparatively Notorious B.I.G. wants a girl that can 1. sniff a whole half of cake up 2. suck good dick 3. hook a steak up.

BOK BOK
CHICKIE-CHICKIE

When Pat comes in on his first verse you may think you're out at a free-range poultry farm, but it's just Pat impersonating these bald-head skally-wag chickenheads. You know how Tom-Tom makes a GPS voiced by Snoop Dogg? Well, Fisher-Price needs to make one of these voiced by Project Pat.


  duck says Quak Quakaaah** Pat voice

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Listen: You Like
Asian speech stereotypes are always funny and the Asian girl on the intro of "You Like" nails it.  Instead of Lil' Wayne, that Asian girl should have done the hook on 'Bling Bling'. "👲Bring Bring! Everytime I come around yo city Bring Bring👲!" Another way to improve that song is to fast forward through Baby's verse. 

Pat lists a number of pimpish things that might impress this Asian jumpoff one of which is his "Starched up Akademiks jeans". See this is why I love Pat.  He's not worried about being a 'Fashion Killer' like A$AP wearing thousand dollar jeans.  He's not doing ostentatious runway shows like Kanye.  I'd like to think he bought those jeans on sale at Sears. But they're fresh. They're starched up. And Project Pat is the embodiment of hood rich Memphis. Plus, if you've ever seen Accidental Chinese Hipsters you know that anything and everything can be fly for Asians. So impressing the jumpoff will likely go as blissfully smooth as the Willie Hutch "Hold On" sample this track uses.

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Listen: Raised In The Projects

Difficult to think of a track that goes harder.  Pat can bellow out trap lyrics until he's anoxic.  Hearing this track once will make you want to put bars on your windows.

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Listen: Wagon Wheels

Project Pat dropped "Wagon Wheels" 6 years before the release of Darius Rucker's marshmallow soft "Wagon Wheel"

"Wagon Wheel" features singing about picking up bouquets of dogwood flowers.
"Wagon Wheels" features rapping about picking up hookers (hookaaaahs)
No Contest

Sure, one has 50 Million more YouTube views than the other, but Project Pat's track is one you can ride out to.  Also, can you imagine Patrick Houston on the prairie in a rickety olde-time covered wagon? I have trouble picturing that, but if he was, it's likely he'd be really high.

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Listen: Still Ridin Clean
  
Still makin cheese, ridin clean and gettin my dick sucked

Does there exist a better Mantra to live by? Shouldn't we all aspire to such heights? Is this the new American dream? Is he quoting the constitution? Won't this be your response the next time someone asks you what you're doing? In the history of hip-hop has there been a more gully chorus? 

Project Pat lets his younger brother Juicy J jump on this track.  People forget about Pat being Juicy J's actual brother. The same people forget about Don Swayze too. <---Shame he's not in the new Point Break


But when Project Pat hits you with lines like "Them twelve golds in my mouth makin these bitches faint" it's hard to understand why Pat isn't the most recognizable name in the family. 


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4
Listen: I Ain't Goin Back To Jail

The Last Mr. Bigg (R.I.P.) steps in on a poignant and pretty straight forward hook. You know The Last Mr. Bigg from his hook on"Poppin My Collar". He survived after getting shot in the head twice and performs wearing a Jason mask.

Everyone has priorities. The Last Mr. Bigg's are swelling pussy and telling dreams. And he can't go back to jail because he has/had more of this to do. 

Unlike the majority of rappers who make surface-level promises for the sake of lyrical showmanship, Project Pat just honestly doesn't want to go back to jail.  Jail probably sucks. He's been there enough. I'm still confused as to why he wants me to tell my old man he ain't goin' back to jail tho.

"Hey Dad, Project Pat said he ain't goin back to jail."
"Who is Project Pat?"
"Nevermind Dad."

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3
Listen: Out There

Blunt to my lips, gun on my hip
Rocks in my sock, pocket full of chips
Watchin' for the pigs, splittin' haters' wigs

No one creates dope lyrical lists like Pat can. I wish he would compile my grocery lists, if I ever got groceries or made grocery lists.

How many rappers are there that can give you such a fire flames verse with every line ending with the word "mane"? The combination of Pat's beautiful misanthropy and the menacing piano doesn't ever get old.

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Listen: Don't Save Her

Do you know what Project Pat doesn't wear? A cape. He's not trying to save these hos.

Before J. Cole turned "Don't Save Her" into a lullaby this jam used to make trunks rattle.  Pat fired some classic knowledge darts at you in his first verse.  Two things I ain't never in my life done seen before is a U.F.O. or a ho that wouldn't go. If that isn't sage wisdom, I don't know what is.  Also, his term for female fellatio is "chewing cat" so now that's what I call it too. 

As I'm sure you know, an octopus's testicles are in its head. Russell Resthaven may as well be an octopus thinking with his balls. Despite getting clowned throughout the song you have to respect his plan to kill the guy his girl is messing around with after work...like I'm gunna kill this guy, but only AFTER he puts in a full 8 hours. Lol that's Playa Haters' Ball level hating right there. 

Before getting caught up confusing cocaine and meth, Crunchy Black appeared here on possibly the best verse of his career.  He leaves you pondering the image of him kickin in doors/f***** these hoes/slammin' em down like Dominoes...it's aggressive and very Crunchy Black. The fellow Memphian is also the second person featured on this top 10 list to have recovered after being shot in the face.


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1
Listen: Ooh Nuthin'

Who needs Shakespeare droning on with his overly wordy fascinations about a woman's figure "O most sure, the goddess on whom these airs doth attend"? No. Project Pat is more direct. He keeps it real. He knows how to get to the point: "Mane this gal stacked/ Butt cheeks like a hippo"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS"-













This song bangs. The lyrics are incredible. It's Pat's best work and my personal favorite. So much so it was played at my wedding.


About the author
The author once owned a Phat Farm windbreaker