Overall I like the idea of Gucci Mane more than the practice of listening to his music. Initially you might get excited about listening but afterwards a Gatorade bath of regret washes over you.
Choosing to listen to Gucci is a lot like that time you got offered that bottle of Rakija.
"Sure" you said, "let's get fucked up."
Plum Brandy tastes as bad as it sounds. "Trap House 5" sounds as bad as it sounds.
Years ago some impressively hairy Serbian donkey cheese farmer distilled that label-less Rakija bottle in a dirty shed. Similarly, years ago a shirtless Radric Davis smelling of Backwoods recorded the fifth installment of his Trap House series in a broom closet.
Unlike most of Gucci's fan-base who obtained this record by quickly tucking the CD in the back pocket of their Marithe Francois Girbaud jeans on their way out of Walmart, I stole it online. I also listened to it through my Bose speakers. A proper reviewer would have utilized the 6-cd changer in a Saturn Sedan and used the jewel case to ash menthols. We can't all be Roger Ebert.
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Intro
You know how armadillos always give birth to exactly 4 baby armadillos? You can count on a cordial welcome from Gucci on each project with that same level of consistency. It's science. The Intro is as necessary to your life as knowing that armadillos always have 4 baby armadillos.
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Cold Day
Mr. Zone 6 starts us off with a quick weather report. Apparently it's cold. Buurrrrr! Not much of a detailed 10-day forecast but the lyrical meteorologist does key us in on his Rottweiler goons and what's in his lil mama's basement. What's in the basement? Bricks.
Song kinda bangs
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Fat Pockets
Money and the power
Think I'm selling powder
Sippin drank got me leanin
Like the Eiffel Tower
With the wrong European monument in mind, Gucci disregards the genius of Gustave Eiffel's truss structure design and high strength open steel hydraulic construction which offsets thermal expansion while optimizing wind resistance. The Eiffel Tower doesn't lean at all. Back to the metaphor drawing board. I think we can all agree Gucci hasn't cracked the cover of the latest Rick Steve's travel guidebook.
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Gamble
This track is a throw away.
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No One Else
"No One Else" or as Young Thug calls it, "No One Belse" features a dynamic NBA All-star trio of Gucci Mane (Jamaal Magloire)
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Money Stacks
On this track Gucci raps about money. Why shoot a winning horse?
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On The Reg
Good news for people who love bad news. This is another throw away
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Draggin'
My runaway favorite on the album. Radric Davis has not won an American Music Award YET but lines like, "bitches sucking me like Dracula/ flipping these hoes like spatulas" surely make an angelic Dick Clark smile down and nod with approval. A true banger. Ten gold stars.
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Go Go Gadget
Would I watch a new animated version of Inspector Gadget where a bumbling Inspector Gucci Mane with five mechanical hands coming out of his Hawks fitted hat is able to cook crack on several stoves at the same time? Yes. I would watch that
Inspector Gadget wears an overcoat, Inspector Gucci wears a wife beater
Maybe Waka Flocka could voice Brain the Komondor dog who is helpful but usually high.
Doctor Claw, voiced by Young Jeezy continually tries to rob Inspector Gucci's trap house and Officer Quibly gets shot in each episode. Sounds like a terrific show.
This track could be that shows' theme song.
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What Is You Sayin
If you were searching for a hard mix of trap star truisms to get you through your day, as Clayton Bigsby said, "Look no further, you found 'em".
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I Used To Know Her
Aww how sweet! A heartfelt damsel in distress tale about "a little thirsyt ho named Nessa". Listen as a nostalgic Gucci draws on his unquantifiable love, wait, no love is not the right word. Uh...I think this is just about a girl he used to smash.
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Ring
In 95 I bought a Regal
Man that was a clean Buick
Is this the first time in the history of rap music where owning a Buick is seen as something positive? I'm pretty sure scoffing at Buick ownership is one of the fundamental pillars hip-hop was built on. But you know what? I see what Gucci is doing here. Throwing his hat in the "ring" to be Buick's next sponsor. Anything has to be better than their shitty campaign saying their shitty Buicks don't look like shitty Buicks. I assume he'll carry the spokesman torch from Tiger when he gets out of prison on March 6, 2017.
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Constantly
Oh Chief Keef is featured? thank you based god for this collaboration. With those two brainiacs in the same studio it's surprising any music was made what with their propensity to write analytical cloud computing programs together and operate as a team on removing occipital lobe tumors while using Kepler's law to calculate relative orbital velocities.
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Too Long
Yellow Lamborghini, the same color as a zucchini
However old you are, you had that many years to think of that line, but Gucci thought of it before you. For me it's 26 years. Coincidentally, 26 is also the score out of a possible 50 points I would give this album. I'd give it the glowing review of "It's not good, but there are some things I don't hate about it." Buurrrrr!
About the Author
The author has never been on a sailboat and doesn't give a fuck about NASCAR
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